Your Mind is a Garden

It wasn't until only two years ago that I learned about the concept of self love. They say that in order to love others, you need to first love yourself wholly and without conditions, but what if you don't know how? I have known my share of unkindness, and have nothing but self-loathing and insecurity as a result. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but it also gives you twisted and gnarly scars. The past 7 years have been a journey of recovery for me. I have found a few hiccups, but mostly I have found success and growth. I have found the greatest amounts of healing in the people who have shown me unconditional love.
I've been told that other people can't make my happiness, that I make my own, and I believe that is true, but I also believe that others can teach me happiness. Part of my journey has been learning about happiness. What does it mean to be happy? I've seen plenty of people who have everything they could need and want, but they aren't truly happy. It wasn't until I started working as an RA at UVM that I really started thinking about this concept in depth. During my training as an RA, I was shown a video that would serve as a catalyst on my journey to discovering self love. It was Brené Brown's TED talk "The power of vulnerability." In the video, she discussed the concept of vulnerability being the key ingredient to building happiness. Since then, I have made every conscious effort possible to connect with vulnerability and thus to being happy. I have made so much progress, and most days I feel more up than down.
A few weeks ago I was talking with Simón's mom and dad. I'm not sure how the topic came up, but I gave them the indication that I hadn't always had the kindest treatment from my mother's husband. With a look of concern, Simón's mom reassured me that Simón would never lay a hand on me or speak to me with anything but respect. She told me that she knew he would only behave as the gentleman that they raised him to be. Although I already knew that he would never hurt me, the feeling that her words gave me is indescribable. I felt connected...strong...protected... We talked about how Simón was raised, and I have discerned some of how he must have been brought up based on his relationship with his family and how they all interact. His family is full of love and care. The connection between each of them is so pure and strong. I'm thankful that he hasn't known the screaming and harsh words that prevailed through my final years in my mothers' house.
Simón has showed me only patience and kindness, even when I am impatient and unkind. He reassures me when I am anxious, something I'm realizing that I struggle with more than I thought. He is also one of the happiest people I know. There is no dwelling on the negatives or on the things that can't be changed. He is always looking up and looking forward. His positive thinking has influenced my own positive thinking, and I can feel myself growing as a person. Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers, or you can grow weeds.

Invisible Monsters

The days are passing almost too quickly. I feel so full of life and love, this is one of those rare moments where everything just feels perfect. I finally have a seat at vet school (and a really good school at that), I found work at a clinic here in Concepción, and I am blessed to have my partner with me every day. Having been accepted into Michigan State University, I have had to start considering what my exact plans are for when I return to the U.S. Searching for an apartment has been a real kicker. Unsure of exactly what I am looking for or exactly what I need in an apartment is making the search rather difficult. We don't know at this moment exactly when Simón will be coming stateside. It could be months, it could be a year. This simply means that I'm unsure of whether I need to find a space for two that is affordable for one or if I should live somewhere affordable and worry about there being room for two later.

Naturally, all of this talk of when exactly he will join me is giving me a fair amount of anxiety. I would love nothing more than for him to be able to join me now, or in two-three months. At the moment, we are looking at a best-case-scenario of 9 months apart. That, to me, feels like an eternity. I feel like this month is a huge landslide ending in a gaping black hole, the only comfort I have is that I will be following my own dreams and pursuing vet med. I can't help but feel increasingly solemn, in spite of everything that is going right. My mind just keeps running in circles over the fears that I have of being apart for so long... Everyone says things like, "hang in there" "if your love is true, it will prevail" "if it's meant to be, it will be." The problem is, that I like to be in control of my future. I like to be the one to decide, and I like to be able to work for what I want. The scary thing is that the only work I can do is to be vulnerable and just love and be loved in return. I have to fight the negative feelings, but at this moment, I haven't figured out how. I'm seeking a security blanket, something that gives me tangible assurance that everything will be ok...but there are no magical security blankets to be found. Fighting the mental demons feels like an impossible task at this moment.