Naturally, all of this talk of when exactly he will join me is giving me a fair amount of anxiety. I would love nothing more than for him to be able to join me now, or in two-three months. At the moment, we are looking at a best-case-scenario of 9 months apart. That, to me, feels like an eternity. I feel like this month is a huge landslide ending in a gaping black hole, the only comfort I have is that I will be following my own dreams and pursuing vet med. I can't help but feel increasingly solemn, in spite of everything that is going right. My mind just keeps running in circles over the fears that I have of being apart for so long... Everyone says things like, "hang in there" "if your love is true, it will prevail" "if it's meant to be, it will be." The problem is, that I like to be in control of my future. I like to be the one to decide, and I like to be able to work for what I want. The scary thing is that the only work I can do is to be vulnerable and just love and be loved in return. I have to fight the negative feelings, but at this moment, I haven't figured out how. I'm seeking a security blanket, something that gives me tangible assurance that everything will be ok...but there are no magical security blankets to be found. Fighting the mental demons feels like an impossible task at this moment.
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Invisible Monsters
The days are passing almost too quickly. I feel so full of life and love, this is one of those rare moments where everything just feels perfect. I finally have a seat at vet school (and a really good school at that), I found work at a clinic here in Concepción, and I am blessed to have my partner with me every day. Having been accepted into Michigan State University, I have had to start considering what my exact plans are for when I return to the U.S. Searching for an apartment has been a real kicker. Unsure of exactly what I am looking for or exactly what I need in an apartment is making the search rather difficult. We don't know at this moment exactly when Simón will be coming stateside. It could be months, it could be a year. This simply means that I'm unsure of whether I need to find a space for two that is affordable for one or if I should live somewhere affordable and worry about there being room for two later.
Naturally, all of this talk of when exactly he will join me is giving me a fair amount of anxiety. I would love nothing more than for him to be able to join me now, or in two-three months. At the moment, we are looking at a best-case-scenario of 9 months apart. That, to me, feels like an eternity. I feel like this month is a huge landslide ending in a gaping black hole, the only comfort I have is that I will be following my own dreams and pursuing vet med. I can't help but feel increasingly solemn, in spite of everything that is going right. My mind just keeps running in circles over the fears that I have of being apart for so long... Everyone says things like, "hang in there" "if your love is true, it will prevail" "if it's meant to be, it will be." The problem is, that I like to be in control of my future. I like to be the one to decide, and I like to be able to work for what I want. The scary thing is that the only work I can do is to be vulnerable and just love and be loved in return. I have to fight the negative feelings, but at this moment, I haven't figured out how. I'm seeking a security blanket, something that gives me tangible assurance that everything will be ok...but there are no magical security blankets to be found. Fighting the mental demons feels like an impossible task at this moment.
Naturally, all of this talk of when exactly he will join me is giving me a fair amount of anxiety. I would love nothing more than for him to be able to join me now, or in two-three months. At the moment, we are looking at a best-case-scenario of 9 months apart. That, to me, feels like an eternity. I feel like this month is a huge landslide ending in a gaping black hole, the only comfort I have is that I will be following my own dreams and pursuing vet med. I can't help but feel increasingly solemn, in spite of everything that is going right. My mind just keeps running in circles over the fears that I have of being apart for so long... Everyone says things like, "hang in there" "if your love is true, it will prevail" "if it's meant to be, it will be." The problem is, that I like to be in control of my future. I like to be the one to decide, and I like to be able to work for what I want. The scary thing is that the only work I can do is to be vulnerable and just love and be loved in return. I have to fight the negative feelings, but at this moment, I haven't figured out how. I'm seeking a security blanket, something that gives me tangible assurance that everything will be ok...but there are no magical security blankets to be found. Fighting the mental demons feels like an impossible task at this moment.
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